


The Center of The Shelf

by AlexTheShipper



Series: Not Dead you fucking Liar [1]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Clint Needs a Hug, Fury is a dick, M/M, Natasha Is a Good Bro, Quitting SHEILD, Suicidal Thoughts, not dead phil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-26
Updated: 2015-03-26
Packaged: 2018-03-19 16:35:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3616746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexTheShipper/pseuds/AlexTheShipper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clint finds out Phil isn't dead, and has been awake for months. He's reasonably pissed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Center of The Shelf

There were two people on earth Clint truly trusted, Phil Coulson, and Natasha Romanoff. Both of them cared about him enough to try and protect him from being hurt.

Then Phil had died and Natasha barely kept him from falling apart. Now, after a mission on Sitwell's team, Phil- Agent Coulson was standing in front of him, giving a debrief, like nothing fucking happened. As if Clint hadn't spent months mourning him.

"How long?" Clint asks, interrupting Phil mid sentence. "How long have you been..." He trails off unsure of how to end the sentence, / _awake, aware, not dead?_ /

"I've been awake for three months." Coulson says. Clint waits for the pain, instead he feels numb, as if something inside him has broken, and now it's just empty.

"I'm glad you're alive sir." He says as he stands up, his voice toneless. He means it too. "Goodbye Agent Coulson."

"Specialist Barton, you can't leave until the debrief is over." Fury says from the back of the room.

"Congrats, I don't give a fuck. P.S. I quit, so don't wait up." Clint spits out, suddenly hostile. Coulson moves to stop him, and earns an arrow pinning the sleeve of his suit to the wall.

"Agent Barton, if you leave-" Fury starts, and Clint levels the arrow with his head.

"Tell me if Natasha knew." He demands. Fury just stares at him. "Coulson tell me."

"No, she didn't know." Phil says.

"Well, hope you stay alive when I tell her." With that Clint slips out of the room. "Good luck."

"Hey Nat." Clint says. His voice sounds hallow to his own ears, and he briefly wonders where his spy training went.

"Clint. What's up?" Natasha demands.

"Phil's alive, been awake for months." He informs already slipping a hoodie over his quiver and hiding his bow. _Thank god for Stark, and collapsible technology._

"Budapest?" She asks.

"Budapest." He confirms. They're both quitting the game, easy as that. They'll disappear for a bit and meet up to see where they want to go from there. Odds are good they'll work for Stark.

"Goodbye Nat." She's already hung up before he finishes and he dumps his phone as he walks. He doesn't have anywhere specific to be and he let's his feet take him where they will, only actively checking for a tail, or potential threats.

...

_The battle of Manhattan was over, and the adrenaline was wearing off. Clint couldn't muster up the energy to celebrate their victory._

_"Nat?" He whispers pulling her to the side._

_"I know." She says. They both nod and join the team for Shwarma._  

...

He loses the tail Fury put on him quickly, and returns to remembering the last few months.

...

_Clint watched as the Hulk barreled toward the building he was perched on with a giant robotic lizard kicking around at his feet. Clint had no grappling hook, and no back up, and the building didn't have long. He waited until it was quaking under his feet and jumped. / **Phil** / A vague wave of disappointment hit him when large green fingers plucked him out of the sky._

_"Birdie no fly." Hulk scolds._

_"I know big guy, sorry." Clint says. He's not so sure it's true._

_..._

_They'd been drinking for hours, which meant he could barely stand, and Natasha was a little tipsy._

_"Thanks." He slurs, accepting the glass of vodka she offers him._

_"Talk to me Hawk." She requests._

_"I miss him." He'd be self conscious if he was any less drunk, as it is he's barely conscious. "I loved him, but I was also in love with 'im." He says. She just nods along, studying him. "It's all my fault."_

_"No, Clint. It's not your fault." She tries to reason. He cuts her off._

_"Doesn't matter now does it, Phil's dead, and with the way I'm going, probably won't last much longer." He says._

_..._

_"I have the shot." Clint lies. The only possible way to make this shot is to be about three feet in front of where he currently is, at the edge of the roof._

_"Take the shot Hawkeye." Steve orders. He has no qualms about jumping. He releases the arrow and watches the machine collapse. He doesn't bother reaching for the grappling arrow, he doesn't want to. The last thing he remembers is the bow singing in his hands._

_/ **Phil** / _

_..._

_"What the hell were you thinking?" Natasha yells at him, he only blinks groggily at her._

_"Where's Phil?" He asks, concern coloring his tone. It's nor until he's said it that he recognizes his location, medical._

_"You can't just jump off fucking buildings because he's not there to stop you." She scolds. "You're gonna get yourself killed."_

_"And?" He says, fully aware it's the wrong response, medical keeps him out of the field for a month, psych adds two to that._

_..._

When Clint tunes fully back into reality he's standing at the door of Phil's apartment. He breaks in more out of habit, more than anything else. He finds himself wandering Phil's apartment, fingertips brushing along the walls, at first he avoids the Captain America shrine, because it's all the attention Phil couldn't be bothered to give him, but a flash of purple catches his attention. He's hawkeye, even when he's not looking he sees more than most. Like the changing color of the light for the security pad. 

There right in the middle of all the Cap merch is a small Hawkeye figurine and a picture.

"Sir?" He asked voice catching in his throat. Phil freezes behind him.

"Clint, I'm so-" Phil starts.

"Shut up. I can't forgive you." Years of archery are the only thing that keeps his hands from shaking.

"If you can't forgive me, why come here?" Phil asks.

"Because it's supposes to feel safe." Clint growls. "You're supposed to be safe, but you lie, and he lies and I'm so fucking done."

"I didn-" Phil tries to explain.

"NO! I nearly killed myself, I felt so damn guilty Phil. I jumped off buildings and hoped nobody would catch me." Clint's nearly crying now. "I blamed myself and you weren't there."

"I didn't know!" Phil yells suddenly. "Fury. Fury told me they couldn't get you back from Loki."

"Fuck." Clint mumbles, his anger draining out of him, as he takes in just how tired Phil looks.

"I could barely stand, and you were gone. Fury thinks I'm convincing you to come back." Phil says. "I think we should both quit."

"You'd do that? Over me?" Clint asks shakily.

"Myself too, I don't like being manipulated by people who claim to be my friend, but more importantly, I love you, Clint." Phil says softly.

"I can't- I love you too Phil." Clint manages after a minute.

"So, am I forgiven?" Phil asks, stepping into Clint's personal space.

"Nope." Clint smirks at him. "You'll have to stick around and work on it."

...

Later they meet up with Natasha, and begin to work privately for Stark Industries.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Defection](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6166699) by [Khashana](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Khashana/pseuds/Khashana)




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